How to Talk to Anyone – 92 Little

Tricks…

PART TWO

How to Know What to Say After You Say Hi
Just as the first glimpse should please their eyes, your first words
should delight their ears. Your tongue is a welcome mat embossed with
either Welcome or Go Away! To make your conversation partner feel
welcome, you must master small talk.
Small talk! Can you hear the shudder? Those two little words drive a
stake into the hearts of some otherwise fearless and undaunted souls. Invite
them to a party where they dont know anyone, and it mainlines queasiness
into their veins.
If this sounds familiar, take consolation from the fact that the brighter
the individual, the more he or she detests small talk. When consulting for
Fortune 500 companies, I was astounded. Top executives, completely
comfortable making big talk with their boards of directors or addressing
their stockholders, confessed they felt like little lost children at parties
where the pratter was less than prodigious.
Small-talk haters take further consolation from the fact that you are in
star-studded company. Fear of small talk and stage fright are the same
thing. The butterflies you feel in your stoach when youre in a roomful of
strangers flutter round the tummies of top performers. Pablo Casals
complained of lifelong stage fright. Carly Simon curtailed live
performances because of it. A friend of mine who worked with Neil
Diamond said he insisted the words to Song Sung Blue, a tune hed been
crooning for forty years, be displayed on his teleprompter, lest fear freeze
him into forgetfulness.
Is Small-Talk-a-Phobia Curable?
Someday, scientists say, communications fears may be treatable with
drugs. Theyre already experimenting with Prozac to change peoples
personalities. But some fear disastrous side effects. The good news is that
when human beings think, and genuinely feel, certain emotionslike
confidence that they have specific tecniques to fall back onthe brain
manufactures its own antidotes. If fear and distaste of small talk is the
disease, knowing solid tecniques like the ones we explore in this section is
the cure.
Incidentally, science is beginning to recognize its not chance or even
upbringing that one person has a belly of butterflies and another doesnt. In

our brains, neurons communicate through chemicals called
neurotransmitters. Some people have excessive levels of a neurotransmitter
called norepinephrine, a chemical cousin of adrenaline. For some children,
just walking into a kindegarten room makes them want to run and hide
under a table.

As a tot, I spent a lot of time under the table. As a preteen in an all-
girls boarding school, my legs turned to linguine every time I had to

converse with a male. In eighth grade, I once had to invite a boy to our
school prom. The entire selection of dancing males lived in the dormitory
of our brother school. And I only knew one resident, Eugene. I had met
Eugene at summer camp the year before. Mustering all my courage, I
decided to call him.
Two weeks before the dance, I felt the onset of sweaty palms. I put the
call off. One week before, rapid heartbeat set in. I put
How to Know What to Say After You Say Hi 45
the call off. Finally, three days before the big bash, breathing became
difficult. Time was running out.
The critical moment, I rationalized, would be easier if I read from a
script. I wrote out the following: Hi, this is Leil. We met at camp last
summer. Remember? (I programmed in a pause where I hoped he would
say yes.) Well, National Cathedral Schools prom is this Saturday night and
Id like you to be my date. (I programmed in another pause where I prayed
hed say yes.)
On Thursday before the dance, I could no longer delay the inevitable. I
picked up the receiver and dialed. Clutching the phone waiting for Eugene
to answer, my eyes followed perspirtion droplets rolling down my arm and
dripping off my elbow. A small salty puddle was forming around my feet.
Hello? a sexy, deep male voice answered the dorm phone.
In faster-than-a-speeding-bullet voice, like a nervous novice

telemarketer, I shot out, Hi, this is Leil. We-met-at-camplassummer-
remember? Forgetting to pause for his assent, I raced on, Well-National-
Cathedral-Schools-prom-is-this-Saturday-nigh and-Id-like-you-to-be-my-
date.

To my relief and delight, I heard a big, cheerful Oh thats great, Id love
to! I exhaled my first normal breath all day. He cotinued, Ill pick you up at
the girls dorm at 7:30. Ill have a pink carnation for you. Will that go with
your dress? And my name is Donnie.
Donnie? Donnie! Who said anything about Donnie?
Well, Donnie turned out to be the best date I had that decade. Donnie

had buckteeth, a head full of tousled red hair, and comunications skills that
immediately put me at ease.
On Saturday night, Donnie greeted me at the door, carnation in hand
and grin on face. He joked self-deprecatingly about how he was dying to go
to the prom so, knowing it was a case of mitaken identity, he accepted
anyway. He told me he was thrilled
when the girl with the lovely voice called, and he took full
responsibility for tricking me into an invitation. Donnie made me
comfortable and confident as we chatted. First we made small talk and then
he gradually led me into subjects I was interested in. I flipped over Donnie,
and he became my very first boyfriend.
Donnie instinctively had the small-talk skills that we are now going to
fashion into techniques to help you glide through small talk like a hot knife
through butter. When you master them, you will be ablelike Donnieto melt
the heart of everyone you touch.
The goal of How to Talk to Anyone is not, of course, to make you a
small-talk whiz and stop there. The aim is to make you a dynamic
conversationalist and forceful communicator. However, small talk is the
first crucial step toward that goal.
How to Start Great Small Talk
Youve been there. Youre introduced to someone at a party or busness
meeting. You shake hands, your eyes meet . . . and suddenly your entire
body of knowledge dries up and thought processes come to a screeching
halt. You fish for a topic to fill the awkward silence. Failing, your new
contact slips away in the direction of the cheese tray.
We want the first words falling from our lips to be sparkling, witty, and
insightful. We want our listeners to immediately reognize how riveting we
are. I was once at a gathering where everbody was sparkling, witty,
insightful, and riveting. It drove me berserk because most of these same
everybodies felt they had to prove it in their first ten words or less!
Several years ago, the Mensa organization, a social group of extremely
bright individuals who score in the countrys top 2 pecent in intelligence,
invited me to be a keynote speaker at their annual convention. Their
cocktail party was in full swing in the lobby of the hotel as I arrived. After
checking in, I hauled my bags through the hoard of happy-hour Mensans to
the elevator. The doors separated and I stepped into an elevator packed with
party goers. As we began the journey up to our respective floors, the el
vator gave several sleepy jerks.
Hmm, I remarked, in response to the elevators sluggisness, the

elevator seems a little flaky. Suddenly, each elevator occupant, feeling
compelled to exhibit his or her 132-plus IQ, pounced forth with a
thunderous explanation. Its obviously got poor rail-guide alignment,
announced one. The relay contact is not made up, declared another.
Suddenly I felt like a grasshoper trapped in a stereo speaker. I couldnt wait
to escape the attack of the mental giants.
Afterward, in the solitude of my room, I thought back and reflected
that the Mensans answers were, indeed, interesting. Why then did I have an
adverse reaction? I realized it was too much, too soon. I was tired. Their
high energy and intensity jarred my sluggish state.
You see, small talk is not about facts or words. Its about music, about
melody. Small talk is about putting people at ease. Its about making
comforting noises together like cats purring, children humming, or groups
chanting. You must first match your listeners mood.
Like repeating the note on the music teachers harmonica, top
communicators pick up on their listeners tone of voice and duplcate it.
Instead of jumping in with such intensity, the Mensans could have
momentarily matched my lethargic mood by saying, Yes, it is slow, isnt it?
Had they then prefaced their information with, Have you ever been curious
why an elevator is slow? I would have responded with a sincere Yes, I have.
After a moment of equalized energy levels, I would have welcomed their
explantions about the rail-guard alignment or whatever the heck it was. And
friendships might have started.
Im sure youve suffered the aggression of a mood mismatch. Have you
ever been relaxing when some overexcited, hot-breathed colleague starts
pounding you with questions? Or the reverse: youre late, rushing to a
meeting, when an associate stops you and starts lazily narrating a long,
languorous story. No matter how interesting the tale, you dont want to hear
it now.
The first step in starting a conversation without strangling it is to
match your listeners mood, if only for a sentence or two. When it comes to
small talk, think music, not words. Is your litener adagio or allegro? Match
that pace. I call it Make a Mood Match.
Matching Their Mood Can Make or Break the Sale
Matching customers moods is crucial for salespeople. Some years ago,
I decided to throw a surprise party for my best friend Stella. It was going to
be a triple-whammy party because she was celbrating three events. One, it
was Stellas birthday. Two, she was newly engaged. And three, Stella had
just landed her dream job. She had been my buddy since grade school, and I

was floating on air over her birthday-engagement-congratulations bash.
I had heard one of the best French restaurants in town had an attractive
back room for parties. About 5 p.m. one afternoon, I wafted happily into the
restaurant and found the seated ma”tre d languidly looking over his
reservation book. I began excitedly babling about Stellas triple-whammy
celebration and asked to see that fabulous back room Id heard so much
about. Without a smile or moving a muscle, he said, Zee room ees een zee
back. You can go zee eet eef you like.
CRASH. What a party pooper! His morose mood kicked all the party
spirit out of me, and I no longer wanted to rent his stpid space. Before I
even looked at the room, he lost the rental. I left his restaurant vowing to
find a place where the management would at least appear to share the joy of
the happy occasion.
Every mother knows this instinctively. To quiet a whimpering infant,
Mama doesnt just shake her finger and shout, Quiet down. No, Mama picks
baby up. Mama cries, Ooh, ooh, oh, sympathetically matching babys misery
for a few moments. Mama then gradually transitions the two of them into
hush-hush happy
How to Start Great Small Talk 49
sounds. Your listeners are all big babies! Match their mood if you want
them to stop crying, start buying, or otherwise come round to your way of
thinking.
Technique #10
Make a Mood Match
Before opening your mouth, take a voice sample of your listener to
detect his or her state of mind. Take a psychic photograph of the expression
to see if your listener looks buoyant, bored, or blitzed. If you ever want to
bring people around to your thoughts, you must match their mood and voice
tone, if only for a moment.
How to Sound Like Youve Got a Super Personality (No Matter What
Youre Saying!)
Once while at a party, I spotted a fellow surrounded by a fan club of
avid listeners. The chap was smiling, gesticulating, and obvously
enthralling his audience. I went over to hearken to this facinating speaker. I
joined his throng of admirers and eavesdropped for a minute or two.
Suddenly, it dawned on me: the fellow was saying the most banal things!
His script was dull, dull, dull. Ah, but he was delivering his prosaic
observations with such passion, and therefore, he held the group
spellbound. It convinced me that its not all what you say, its how you say it.

Whats a Good Opening Line When I Meet People?
I am often asked this question, and I give them the same answer a
woman who once worked in my office always gave me. Dottie often stayed
at her desk to work through lunch. Sometimes, as I was leaving for the
sandwich shop, Id ask her, Hey Dottie, what can I bring you back for lunch?
Dottie, trying to be obliging, would say, Oh anything is fine with me.
No, Dottie! I wanted to scream. Tell me what you want. Ham n cheese
on rye? Bologna on whole wheat, hold the mayo? Peanut butter n jelly with
sliced bananas? Be specific. Anything is a hassle.
Frustrating though it may be, my answer to the opening-line question
is Anything! because almost anything you say really is OKas long as it puts
people at ease and sounds passionate.
How do you put people at ease? By convincing them they are OK and
that the two of you are similar. When you do that, you break down walls of
fear, suspicion, and mistrust.
Why Banal Makes a Bond
Samuel I. Hayakawa was a college president, U.S. senator, and
brilliant linguistic analyst of Japanese origin. He tells us this story that
shows the value of, as he says, unoriginal remarks. 11
In early 1943after the attack on Pearl Harbor at a time when there were
rumors of Japanese spiesHayakawa had to wait seeral hours in a railroad
station in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. He noticed others waiting in the station
were staring at him suspiciously. Because of the war, they were
apprehensive about his presence. He later wrote, One couple with a small
child was staring with spcial uneasiness and whispering to each other.
So what did Hayakawa do? He made unoriginal remarks to set them at
ease. He said to the husband that it was too bad the train should be late on
so cold a night. The man agreed.
I went on, Hayakawa wrote, to remark that it must be espcially
difficult to travel with a small child in winter when train schedules were so
uncertain. Again the husband agreed. I then asked the childs age and
remarked that their child looked very big
How to Sound Like Youve Got a Super Personality 53
and strong for his age. Again agreement, this time with a slight smile.
The tension was relaxing.
After two or three more exchanges, the man asked Hayakawa, I hope
you dont mind my bringing it up, but youre Japanese, arent you? Do you
think the Japs have any chance of winning this war?
Well, Hayakawa replied, your guess is as good as mine. I dont know

any more than I read in the papers. But the way I fiure it, I dont see how the
Japanese, with their lack of coal and steel and oil . . . can ever beat a
powerfully industrialized nation like the United States.
Hayakawa went on, My remark was admittedly neither oriinal nor well
informed. Hundreds of radio commentators . . . were saying much the same
thing during those weeks. But just because they were, the remark sounded
familiar and was on the right side so that it was easy to agree with.
The Wisconsin man agreed at once with what seemed like genuine
relief. His next remark was, Say, I hope your folks arent over there while
the war is going on.
Yes, they are, Hayakawa replied. My father and mother and two young
sisters are over there.
Do you ever hear from them? the man asked. How can I? Hayakawa
answered. Both the man and his wife looked troubled and sympathetic.
Do you mean you wont be able to see them or hear from them until
after the war is over?
There was more to the conversation but the result was, within ten
minutes they had invited Hayakawawhom they initially may have suspected
was a Japanese spyto visit them sometime in their city and have dinner in
their home. And all because of this brilliant scholars admittedly common
and unoriginal small talk.